“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” –Joshua 24:15
If only it were this easy to make an intentional choice, to act in spite of feeling and fear and desire (when maybe what God calls us to do seems undesirable in the moment). As Joshua stated in his reminder to the Israelites, God has given me so much – a land on which I did not toil and a city which I did not build. He has given me grace. And in spite of this, I question and struggle with the commands that He has given me alongside this grace – in particular, with the area of relationships and sexuality.
I obviously have my own struggles in this area, as do most people, and these have taught me that it is never my place to judge someone’s struggles, or the outcomes of those struggles. Yet now, this struggle is mine, and no more is it theoretical.
Now, all of a sudden, the weight of the decisions that I have to make – to be more explicit, to end a brief relationship with a guy I met recently – feels like I am giving up so much. It is not about the guy; it is about the decision to die to myself and my desire/quest for company, appreciation, and physical intimacy with a tangible human being. It is the decision to give up my own notions (the world’s notions) about relationships and sex, and to trust that the God who has taken care of me thus far will still care for me and give me what I need in His time.
In this struggle to die to myself, my mind has been home to warfare not just between my flesh and my spirit, but between my will to submit to God and my pride.
But as hard as this struggle is, I think (?) it is good. Like BeautyBeyondBones says in her post about Woke Christianity, “At the end of the day, our relationship with Christ is not about what we can get out of it. It’s about what we can give. It’s the handing over of self to the One who gave it all on the Cross. There’s beauty in the surrender. There’s freedom. But there’s also struggle, and pain, and sacrifice.”
If I am to be honest, I am so afraid to choose. I’m scared that in choosing God this very day, I’ll regret my decision or resent Him for making me give up the feeing of being liberated and “normal”. I’m scared of the process that comes with trying to work through how I got here in the first place, and what submitting my desires to Him really entails.